ASK JOSH
Have you ever wondered what to do in a life or death situation? Cant make up your mind on something? Need to get something off your chest? Maybe you just need a shoulder to cry on. Either way, Josh is here for you my firends, and he will gladly share his wisdom with all. If you have a question for Josh, you can contact him at [email protected]. We will try to post his replies on this page as soon as we can, so keep checking back.
Letter:
Dear Josh,
I am in desperate need of your help and advice. Lately my life has just been going downhill, well actually its always been that way. My parents never loved or cared for me, kids at school always pick on me, and I dont have any friends. Girls find me very unattractive. I've never even been kissed before. I've tried everything I can to improve my life, and nothing is working. I've tried every kind of anti-depressant and have seen every psychiatrist. They have all failed. I need you help, please respond. Darren, Columbus, OHIO
Josh Responds:
Dear Darren,
What the fuck are you waiting for? PULL THE TRIGGER ALREADY! Its obvious that your life will never get better. And if you try to make it better, you will fail just like everything else you've done in your shitty life. I cant belive you never even kissed a girl, what a fuckin loser.
Letter:
Dear Josh,
I have a question - why dont men find me attractive? I can never get into a relationship with anybody. Most guys say they just want to be friends, and nothing more. Why is this so? Katie, Lansing, MI
Josh responds:
Dear Katie,
I have read your letter and I have figured out the cause of the dilemma - YOUR A FUCKIN FATASS! Lose some weight! Put the food down now! I cant belive your this stupid. Isnt it obvious when you look into the mirror everyday? Oh thats right, you probably dont even look in the mirror cause your so fuckin loopy and ugly! And judgeing by the way you sound your preety fuckin annoying also. So my advice: get your jaw wired. That way you cant shove twinkies into your fat asshole and we dont have to hear your retarded questions.
PS - when a guy says he only wants to be friends, that usually means he doesnt want to end the relationship completely just incase you become hot someday (which in your case we wont have to worry about)
Letter:
Dear Josh,
I've always wanted to know how to fly, please tell me. Richard, Omaha NB
Josh Responds:
Dear Dickhead,
The secret to flying is simple - Jump at the ground and miss!
Letter:
Hey Big sexy,
I've been a big fan of yours for years now. I think your sooooooo hot. Everynight I rub myslef to your image. I think about you all the time. I truly belive I was put on this earth to do nothing but make love to you all day long. I want you so bad. Gary, San Francisco, CA
Josh Responds:
YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!! IF YOU EVER WRITE TO ME AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND BEAT YOUR GAY FAGGOT ASS!! GO EAT DICK, NO I TAKE THAT BACK CAUSE YOU PROBABLY ARE EATING DICK. SO ACTUALLY GO EAT PUSSY! LEARN HOW TO BE A MAN! YOU SICK FUCK, I WILL KILL YOU TILL THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO YOU THAN A EYEBALL, AND I WILL CRUSH THAT EYEBALL, THEN I WILL PISS ON IT, AND LITE IT ON FIRE, AND AFTER I LITE IT ON FIRE I WILL PUT THE ASHES IN MY TOILET AND SHIT ON IT, YOU SHITHEAD SHIT EATER! I WIPE MY ASS WITH SCUM LIKE YOU, I WILL BOMB SAN FRANCISCO AND ALL YOUR GAY FAGGOT BUDDIES!!!!!!!! SO PUT THAT IN YOUR ASS AND GET OFF ON IT, QUEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!